Chick Tracts: God loves virgin gang-rape and incest

Lucas van Leyden's "Lot and his daughters" (ca. 1509)

If you spend enough time on public transportation in Southern California, three things are bound to happen: You will sit near people who haven't showered in weeks, you will come face-to-face with schizophrenics, and you will pick up a Chick Tract.

Despite the misleading name, Chick Tracts aren't smut newspapers filled with large-breasted women posed in gravity-defying sex positions. Instead, they are the creation of Christian fundamentalist Jack Chick, whose idea of preachin'-fer-Jesus is to draw crappy fire-and-brimstone comics based on his laughable interpretations of the King James Bible.

I had forgotten about Chick Tracts until a couple of weeks ago, when a front-page story on digg had a link to Chick's homo-hatin' comic, The Birds and the Bees. (If you're having a shitty day, I highly recommend you read it or some of his other work. Comedy gold, my friends.)

Once again, in The Birds and the Bees, we have someone who doesn't think critically about the Bible trying to tell the rest of us what the Bible says. Lots of Christians point to the Sodom and Gomorrah story as proof that God hates homosexuality. But there's a lot about this story Christians never mention.



In Genesis 19, Sodom and Gomorrah are two wicked cities that the Lord wants to destroy because they refuse to stop their nightly midget and donkey shows. There is only one righteous guy in the city, Lot, who is also Abraham's nephew. The Lord sends two angels to warn Lot about the city's impending destruction.

Lot is putting the angels up for the night when a crowd of horny gay dudes surround Lot's house and demand:

Where are the men which came in to thee this night? Bring them out unto us, that we may know them.

(Just a reminder, kids, "know" in the biblical sense means to insert your erect member into another person's orifice.)

Lot probably figures that as angels of the Lord, the holy colons of his visitors cannot be violated by the sweaty, nasty gay dudes. So, he comes up with a better solution:

Behold now, I have two daughters which have not known man; let me, I pray you, bring them out unto you, and do ye to them as is good in your eyes.

In other words, Lot says: Leave the angels alone. You can gang-rape my virgin daughters instead.

Hmmm. Can someone please tell me how Lot qualifies as a righteous man?

Is anyone else shocked to learn that the Chick Track doesn't even mention Lot's virgin gang-rape idea in his little drawings? But hold on, kids, it gets better.



The next morning Lot, his wife, and his two virgin daughters escape right before the Lord, in another demonstration of love, compassion, and forgiveness, rains fire down onto Sodom and Gomorrah. Nothing says "Awesome God" like children and babies burning to death. Lot's wife turns to look at the holy pyrotechnic display and is turned into a pillar of salt as punishment.

Not long after they escape with their righteous father, the oldest virgin daughter turns to the younger virgin daughter and says:

Our father is old, and there is not a man in the earth to come in unto us after the manner of all the earth:

Come, let us make our father drink wine, and we will lie with him, that we may preserve seed of our father.

Drunken sex with daddy. Gosh, isn't it a good thing we have the Bible to teach us family values? So over two nights, the daughters get daddy wasted and have their way with him, all in the name of preserving the bloodline.

I can't take credit for this next observation, as I heard it from a comedian, but it raises another problem with this whole "righteous" Lot story: Apparently, Lot was too drunk to realize he's screwing his daughters, but he wasn't too drunk to perform. Just ask any guy who's had whiskey dick, and you know that something doesn't add up here.

Now for a moment, let's stop laughing and let's play along with Mr. Chick's line of reasoning. OK, homosexuality is bad and horrible and evil because a Bible story says so. But if the Sodom and Gomorrah story proves that God hates homosexuality, then we have to accept that God loves virgin gang-rape and incest. After all, Lot was a righteous man, and his drunken insecticidal nights are never condemned in the Bible.

But would you be surprised to know that like Lot's gang-rape-my-virgin-daughters plan, the Chick Track doesn't mention the drunken incest parties, either?

I've come up with three possible explanations for Mr. Chick's oversights:

1) Mr. Chick hasn't actually read the story himself. That seems highly unlikely, as his exodus from reality is probably fueled by daily excursions into the pages of the Bible.

2) Mr. Chick knows his target audience won't read the entire Sodom and Gomorrah story on their own. He is probably counting on the ignorance of his intended audience. I bet most of the people that take the Bible literally have never actually read it cover-to-cover.

3) Mr. Chick, like some people you will meet on a bus in LA, is actually schizophrenic. How else would explain someone who takes the Bible literally without owning up to its most screwed-up passages? He holds the Bible up as the unquestionable word of God, then intentionally leaves out the part of about Lot screwing his two virgin daughters. You can't have it both ways, Mr. Chick.



Of course, the Bible is full of this kind of crap, which is probably why it ends up in cheap comic books on dirty buses. Mr. Chick and his fellow fundamentalist preachers are betting that besides his audience being ignorant about science, history, and common sense, they will also take no time to actually read what's written in their most holy book.